Happy at last

Me and ben are back together :) I am very excited. not only that but he has been acting like a totally new person. after i told him about what brittney (his ex) said about "ben" and "chase" being two tottally different people. he looked at me in the eyes and grabbed my hands and told me "if you wanna see chase, I will show you chase" :) so with all the being said, this weekend we are going to vegas :) im so excited.

I just dont get it...

I just dont get it....

How can I possibly be so in love with you still? after all you put me through, (oh and our song just came on the radio :/) after all the dark sleepless nights I cried through, after being left alone to deal with OUR “mistake” all by MYSELF. And here I am, wanting you, wishing you would just tell me how sorry you are, and how you know what a big mistake you made! I wanna hear you still love me and that you never stopped! I wanna hear that the only reason you left was because you were scared. Then I could look at you and tell you how scared I was too, but there was no running for me! I was stuck!

but i forgive you.

For some odd fucking reason I FORGIVE YOU! and as much as I wanna run away and be with the man who actually loves me for me and would sacrifice his entire world to be with me, I really just wanna be in your arms right now.

you have me fucked up and confused. You have me killing myself to be perfect for you. You have my whole entire world shred to pieces, and I can’t seem to fix any of it. but I STILL LOVE YOU.

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!

Another lonely girl...

Here it is, another Friday night alone in my bed. This time is different tho. This time I know I have no one. Every other time I knew I had him, he just wasn't physically here. Now I know he is out with her. He is in HER bed, instead of mine. It makes me sick to my stomach to know this. I know i deserve better, I know I can do better, I know he is a tool and a douche bag and all that other jazz, but seriously I am hurt! Really hurt! I love him! not the him he turned out to be, but the him I thought he was. Well so I guess that's not really loving HIM but you get what I mean. The only good thing about all of this is that he hurt me so bad that I did something I never actually planned on doing that i have always wanted to do, and I bought a plane ticket to Hawaii to go see my friend Autumn. If you don't get how he made that happen, I literally was so upset I just went crazy and did it. I don't know how else to explain it. He just made me want to do something HUGE and that's what I ended up doing. So now on May 4th I will be on a plane headed for Honolulu International Airport :) It will be nice to get out of here and just forget all the stress and drama attached to me. I can get away from everyday life, my lonely boring life. I really can't wait to lay on the beach all day long with not a care in the world other than how my tan is looking. 18 days 6 hours till my plane leaves LAX!

second WORST day of my life so far....

Well today was absolutely HORRIBLE. For those of you that know about my health issues, today was the first day of my treatment. Ben showed up last night to spend the night with me, and to be here when I got home from the hospital. I got home and slept with him for a little while, then we got up and hung out with Lauren and Emmy, then he took me out to lunch and then we came home hung out for a while and he headed back to Miramar. When he got home he was acting really weird, not answering my texts and just being fishy. So finally i got a hold of him and he called me.... to break up with me. supposedly he loves me, but he isn't a one girl kinda man, and he had sex with someone else. WONDERFUL!!! As if i dont have enough to go thru already. And you had to tell me this the day of my treatment!!! wow!!! your a winner!! Ever since this all happened I have been a complete mess. Crying, throwing up, just hysterical. Looks like i now get to do the rest of the treatments ALONE! AWESOME! :( FML!

Getting to know Kayla Kristen

Hi everyone! I decided I was going to make a blog so I can get some stuff off my chest and outta my head. I don't know how many people will actually even read this, if any, but I hope maybe somewhere someone will. Before I get started I am gonna talk about myself, just so whoever reads this, can get to know me and my life a little bit.

So, my name is Kayla Kristen and I am 20 years old. I am an EMT (emergency medical technician) and I absolutely LOVE it. I am also going to school to be a nurse, and I want to specialize in trauma. I am also going through a divorce with my husband, his name is Paul, and he is a United States Marine. I am in the process of moving from Camp Pendleton Marine Corps Base In the beautiful Oceanside California, back to my home town about 90 miles north east of here. After my husband and I decided to get a divorce, I told myself I would never be with another Marine, even if my life depended on it. Then I met Ben, who is a Marine stationed at Marine Corps Air Station Miramar In San Diego. Needless to say that boy swept me off my feet and I am now in a relationship with him. But anyways, In August I was hit with one of the most devastating things I have ever had to deal with. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 Kidney Cancer which had metastasized to his lungs and the bones in his rib cage. He is now in treatment, at Loma Linda University Medical Center, and as of now, things are not looking very good, but we are all staying strong and doing our best to give him the support he needs, and he has been so positive throughout all of this. I also have a 17 year old brother, Austin, he is a senior in high school, and... well, he can be quite a handful, but we are very close. Then there is my mom! she is the most amazing woman i have ever met! She is always there for me! I couldn't ask for a better family.

My posts will be about anything from life as an EMT, to Ben and his deployment(coming up in may) and I will probably even throw in some stuff about my dad and his treatment. I hope anyone who reads this will enjoy what i have to say, and please don't be afraid to leave some feedback!

-Kayla Kristen